Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

i’m still crying at this

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

i think my razor is having a panic attack

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring