I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
You Might Also Like
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!