Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

Orange is oranging 🟠

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

Simple enough.

The most accurate map ever devised.

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

Morning all.

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”