I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
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As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Bruh PLEASE
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD