I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
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I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
My dad.
Unexpected Judgment
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
#FunnyLife Insects
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.