I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
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Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I can fix him.
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You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]