I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
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One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Thinking about Jeff
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist