I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
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I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
That time Alicia messaged me
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.