Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

(Musicians.)

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours