I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
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People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I can’t stop laughing at this
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.