Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.