Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

No self control, must pet the kitty 😂

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.