Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm