Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!