Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

Same pineapple, same

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

Festive toon…

I finally found a reason to live again.

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.