@DamonHunzeker

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

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@juicymorsel

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

@dshack8

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

@jenlaw_11

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

@junejuly12

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

@SatansTongue

*daughter grabs 50 shades of grey*
NO!
*smacks it out of her hand*
“I want to color!”
ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK
“But daddy-”
DON’T CALL ME THAT

@LloBrow

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

@DaddyJew

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

@MikeCanRant

1) Find and catch a rabbit

2) Go to restaurant

3) Complain about a hare in your meal

4) Enjoy free meal plus adorable household pet

@KylePlantEmoji

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

@3sunzzz

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.