I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

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My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!


3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave


Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.


Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?


*daughter grabs 50 shades of grey*
*smacks it out of her hand*
“I want to color!”
“But daddy-”


Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?


Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket


1) Find and catch a rabbit

2) Go to restaurant

3) Complain about a hare in your meal

4) Enjoy free meal plus adorable household pet


A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”


Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.