I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
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Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”