I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
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*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
“our sushi is very fresh”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*