Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

be careful

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

bros in the example zone 😭

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.