I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
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It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”