I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
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A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?