I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
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idk flipping houses looks really hard
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me
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meonstilts
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meandbatmanonstilts
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Watson was Holmes schooled
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.