Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

Ok, but like, how married are you?

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]