i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
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Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back