i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
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Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.