I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
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Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
The game has officially changed 😎
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.