I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
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yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.