I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
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Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Thanks to a fan for this one.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”