Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting