Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”

not going to work.

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.