Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

The booster protects against what, now?

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

Saturday

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter