Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

Unexpected Judgment

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

Roses are red, you always mattered,

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing