Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

WTF IS THAT!

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry