i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
You Might Also Like
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email