“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
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*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
There is wisdom there.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
When your parents check you’re ok.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A