Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

who called it hell and not heaven’t

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry

Smile they said.

old twitter is back baby