Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

Okay me first

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone