I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
You Might Also Like
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
This kinda thing happens to me often
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
This was a bad idea all around
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Introverted vegans go meetless
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??