i hate you platonically
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I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
sign of the times 🖊
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.