I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
