I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
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I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
best first i’ve ever seen
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.