I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
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I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore