i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
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REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!