i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
You Might Also Like
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Somedays I just love AI so much
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.