Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

broke down and did it

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

🤣🤣🤣

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk