i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
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Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it