i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
You Might Also Like
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
dutch is not a serious language
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.