I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
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I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
It’s his time
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired