Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

oh you like architecture? name three walls

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

Guilty! 🤪

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?