Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.