Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

Good dog. ❤️

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN