I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
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My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
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The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality