I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
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Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Wait a minute
