Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

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The Chosen Phew

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.