Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great Canadian literature.

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

Seems a bit forward

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”