Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

road rage

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

Voodoo map

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.