I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
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When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Cyber Monday has become too commercialized
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!