Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

canadian assassins are called killergrams

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming