I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
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Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.