Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

👃🏻: what are you wearing?

😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over