I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
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How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”