Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

If you need a laugh.. 😅

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

A collection of me turning into random objects.

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

Breaking news:

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.