Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

Matt Goss

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

🎵 I can’t wait to

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.