I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
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I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Perfect
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete