Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

I fixed it. For me

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

Worst Native American name ever.

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”