I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
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when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are