Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

This can never not be funny 😭😭

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.