Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mornin

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”

(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

rip to my favourite tweet

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.